Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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