I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You left your phone here
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