fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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