good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
