meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
