Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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