3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
