break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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