if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
