Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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