Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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