He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize