Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
