party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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