he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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