I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
