I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize
