What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
