he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
