My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
In America we eat man semen.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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