oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
