Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
