So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
