i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
