The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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