a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
