Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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