ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
