i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
