Im at strip club and am horny
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
