Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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