I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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