Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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