The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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