One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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