Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
