dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
