I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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