Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
