dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
