Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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