She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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