If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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