I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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