Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
