The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
