I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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