im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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