He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
