if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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