she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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