Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
