Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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