There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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