I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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