Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
